‘day packed-full of goodness’ gone wrong. I didn’t visit my mum & grandmother yesterday, but i’m glad i made the right choice of staying home to take care of my God mum. it’s quite sad because this came as another consequent disappointment to my grandmother, she was so excited to finally be able to see me. i swore everything hurt for a little while hearing disappointed *sigh heads down* voices over the phone & watching a loved one suffer. i’d do anything to make it better.

the rest of the day sucked. 

you know what? i’ve had enough of this bull shit i’m finally convinced that this probably should come to a stop right now. I don’t know how disappointment can actually turn to hurt, but it happened anyway. & on top of that, people’s words hurt too. Shouldn’t we guard our tongues just like how we’re taught to guard our hearts? Having a lose tongue can hurt. I’m so tired of all the insensitivity, insecurity. it’s like i no longer belong anymore. you know? It’s like the people you once lived your life with no longer exist anymore. It’s this sudden change in every perspective i can’t explain it. Maybe that’s what pain actually does to people. change. it’s just me. that’s just the way i am. If i can’t be myself, i’d find somewhere else where i can be myself. even if it means taking the avoidance route. It felt like hope was crushed last night. if i knew things were going to turn out that way, i wouldn’t have missed anything at all. Like i was knocked off my feet, feeling like nothing. truth to be told, my detest for feeling that way could be venomous. it was the same feeling i got from months ago. Maybe last night i was expecting things to be different, better maybe. well. turned out i was wrong.

last night i made a decision to let the wrong ones go. The start was probably seventh heaven and all, but look at things now. i can’t even be myself, i don’t even feel good anymore. It probably is going to sound a lot like regret. but whatever, really. I just got enough of all the criticisms. it’s probably overly done too much & my capacity isn’t a bottomless pit-if you know what i mean. every being has their limits. always putting the same shit aside when facing the same people. i’m tired & i’ve had enough. i wouldn’t hurt this much if i never loved the same. it’s just. i don’t want to feel that way anymore.

-/-

Tanning at sentosa with bobo L today was good ^^ perfect weather & the many failed attempts of ‘stripping’ made it a whole lot funnier. especially with the insecurity from ‘behind’ us. I like my better even-ed out tan now. (i bet bobo is as red as a tomato still!) okay but anyway. GOOD FOOD WITH STRAWBERRY DESERT after that (which made me extremely happy) & kbox too :-)

really LOVE happy days like this. <3